


i learned to live, half alive

by danrdarrenc



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 15:19:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21340366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danrdarrenc/pseuds/danrdarrenc
Summary: Aaron learns to live without Robert until Robert returns.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 1
Kudos: 73





	i learned to live, half alive

It takes Aaron six months before he finally understands that what Robert did was out of love, because he didn’t want to burden Aaron with a husband locked up for 14 years, and not because Robert was giving up on them, or their love.

It still hurts, will always hurt, but he doesn’t hate Robert for it anymore.

Still, it takes him another six months to clear his head and “move on”, as his mother says. It’s a difficult thing, to breathe, to wake up every morning and _live _with half your soul gone, and so suddenly and without any warning.

His first birthday without Robert is spent surrounded by Dingles but the celebration feels empty, a Robert-shaped elephant standing in the pub that nobody acknowledges.

On the anniversary of their first wedding, Aaron strings their rings - which he had unceremoniously thrown in the back of a drawer in the portacabin when the divorce letter had come - on a chain Liv had discarded and wears them around his neck, under his jumper.

The wedding picture he had broken he has reframed and carefully places it in a box with other photos, Robert’s watch, the Santa hoodie, Robert’s leather jacket, and a flash drive with the video Robert had left for him. The box he places at the back of the shelf in his closet for safekeeping.

Robert’s birthday he spends on a long day of scrap pickups and deliveries that he had scheduled specifically to keep his mind occupied and away from the temptation of trying to get in touch with Robert.

After that, Aaron finds work to be cathartic, as much as anything can be, the best salve for his heart that remains only half beating and his soul only half complete. His family worries he’s overdoing things again, using work as another way to harm himself, despite his explanations that it’s actually helping him heal. He finds the memories of Robert, of them, at the portacabin easier to live with than those at the Mill.

And so - Aaron survives. Before he knows it, Robert has been gone for a year, two, six.

In the middle of the summer of the seventh year after their divorce, Aaron is coming out of the pub when he spots a familiar blond head and his heart jumps into his throat.

A second later, Robert turns his head and their eyes meet. He sees Robert take a deep breath and make a beeline to where Aaron is standing.

“Can we talk?” is the first thing Robert says to him in six and a half years.

Aaron nods, not trusting himself to speak, and follows Robert to the cricket pavilion.

“Vic told me you were out,” Aaron says when they’re inside the building. They’re standing five feet apart, too close for Aaron but entirely too far, too.

“I’m sorry, Aaron,” Robert croaks, and Aaron thinks Robert’s voice sounds hoarse, like it hasn’t been used much in the last six years.

Aaron nods his acknowledgment.

“I don’t blame you if you hate me.”

Aaron looks away then, gathering his thoughts. Eventually, he says, “I did. For a long time. Still do a bit.”

Robert nods, accepting the inevitable. “I just wanted you to be happy.”

“I was happy,” Aaron says, turning to Robert, his voice harsher than he means it to be. “I was happy being your husband even if it meant seeing ya once a month and talkin’ to ya for five minutes on the phone once a week.”

It’s Robert’s turn to look away. “That was no life for you to live, Aaron. Not after I got transferred.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make!” Aaron yells and rubs his hand over his face in frustration. “I was willing to do it. I _wanted_ to do it. Together. That’s what we said. Remember? And you took that away from me!”

Robert swallows thickly. “I just wanted you to live your life.”

Aaron barks out a laugh. “And what kind of life do you think I’ve been living? Hmm, Robert?” Aaron throws his arms wide, as if asking the space between them for an answer. “What kind of life with my heart half gone?” Aaron clutches at his hoodie, can feel the rings he still wears there underneath.

Robert stares at him, shocked.

“What? Did you think I’d move on? Find some other bloke to love?” Aaron asks, tears falling now.

“Yes,” Robert whispers, and he sounds so small, so broken that Aaron’s anger dissipates instantly and entirely.

“You what?”

“It was at least fourteen years. You were bound to,” Robert answers, suddenly interested in his shoes.

Aaron stares at Robert, dumbstruck. “Haven’t we established I’ll always love ya?” Aaron asks quietly.

Robert looks at him then, eyes wide. “You mean?”

“I haven’t even _looked_ at another bloke,” Aaron says, angry again but for a different reason. “I’ve been living half a life, Robert.” All the fight leaves him, and he just feels worn out and defeated.

When Robert doesn’t say anything, and still doesn’t seem to understand, Aaron pulls the chain out from under his hoodie.

“I tried being with someone else before. Remember? It didn’t work.”

Robert stares at the rings. “You kept them?”

“I never take them off.”

A look of recognition flits across Robert’s face and Aaron thinks finally, _finally_, Robert gets it.

Dropping the rings against his chest, Aaron takes a tentative step towards Robert, who’s stood paralyzed, watching Aaron.

When he’s standing in front of Robert, so close and yet not close enough, Aaron raises shaking hands to touch Robert’s face.

Robert’s eyes slip closed when Aaron’s skin meets his, and Aaron lets out a sigh that’s almost a sob.

“I love you, Robert Sugden,” Aaron says simply.

“Still?” Robert asks, opening his eyes to search Aaron’s face. The question echoes one from what feels like a lifetime ago.

“Always,” Aaron says, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Can I kiss you?” Robert asks on a breath.

Aaron nods in the second before Robert’s lips capture his. Aaron’s arms curl around Robert’s neck and Robert’s arms snake around Aaron’s waist, pulling him close. When they break apart, they’re both crying, their faces buried in each other’s necks. It’s a scene that’s familiar, matches their last reunion. 

They still have a lot to talk about, a lot to work through, but for now, they’re home.


End file.
